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I’m glad I stayed

But sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m caught in a whirlwind of emotions and wonder if I made the wrong choice when I was fearless over eternity. Life seems daunting and I’m stuck in cycles. 

I don’t feel as bad as before, so I guess I see some hope. But when I have hope I wonder if it’s enough. I think of an entire life ahead of me and I can’t imagine what I’ll be. 

But then I think of an entire life behind me already; I’ve come so far. It’s hard to think of the future. I know it’s all in my hands. I question what I will be and will it be worth it. 

When I look at my past attempts it’s almost hard to explain. It’s hard to go back into the emotions to tell the tale. To be so hurt, lost and feeling of absolute gut-wrenching turmoil is a place I hope my mind never slips back into. 

I know when I was so low I really thought suicide was my only choice. I felt like that even if I did become happy again, I still wouldn’t feel fulfillment. So what’s the point? I guess I was looking for an answer that I couldn’t find. Even now I’m looking for an answer I can’t grasp, but it’s easier to live. 

Through out my different hospital stays and psych hospital stays, it’s a true accomplishment to be just sitting in the sun today. As I hit certain milestones in life it’s pretty sweet. Sweet to my soul. It’s a knowing I belong here. 

I’m glad I stayed, even when I don’t want to stay. Had I not stayed I wouldn’t be on my way to contentment. I know I’ll get there one day. I’m happy to be here for the small moments that bring love into my heart. Those moments that I thought wouldn’t be enough for me, they’re actually pretty awesome. 

Even in my dark days I know it’s possible to come out of it. With time I’m seeing life isn’t so bad.

Mabri has written a book that details much of her survivor story. Click the book to learn more.

"I've laid out various things I've learned that can help you, too. Your life is valuable and you deserve a better life. Come beside me in the fight for your life. Don't settle and do not ever give up."

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